Rayne Maiden (raynemaiden) wrote in gaias_muse,
Rayne Maiden

Song fic

I feel terrible for neglecting this journal so I decided to post some stuff I had sitting around my own journal. Sorry if this is crossposted.

I can feel the corner of my eye twitching as if it was directly connected to the beating of my heart and I take another shot of whiskey. Deep in thought I register the slow burn with naught but a slight narrowing of the eyes. Slowly my thoughts once again turn inwards and the sights and sounds of that night come back. It was a cold night in February, the kind of night that makes you think the wind really does have teeth, where your breath fogs in the dense frigid air, and frost threatens the browning grass. Deep in my own world I was wandering along a sidewalk taking in the sounds of a city night. Somewhere in the distance a bell chimed the witching hour accompanied by the chorus of humanity working and playing long into the morning hours. My mind was not aware of where my feet were taking me but the music stubbornly spilling out of the dark club was a dead giveaway. I knew he would be here, he said as much himself. But I just didn't think I could go. It was all a farce. A game I didn't want to play. However the pull to see him was like a drug I still hadn't been able to kick. So it was with a heart on the verge of stopping completely, or at least imploding from the constriction, that I wrapped my fingers around the handle on the door and wrenched it open before I could walk away. It's funny that, my inability to walk away, my mum always said I was sentimental. I say I'm frugal with the comings and goings of important moments in my life. I don't like things to be squandered or lost for terribly sad or stupid reasons. So that brilliant reasoning has brought me here to a club playing wonderfully cheesy 80's music that has more cigarette smoke in the air then actual oxygen and a scent that defies description. There are dozens of bodies carelessly flung into booths and people precariously perched on barstools scattered across the room but the lighting is perfect and the music is transient. In the middle of the dance floor I see him. All black and white planes highlighted to perfection under the dancing luminance of the section of floor reserved for that sort of thing. There almost seems to be a spotlight directed on him as he dances all on his own square in the middle of the tangled mass of writhing bodies. He is so beautiful it seems like the other patrons dare not step into his personal space instead giving him wide berth as if they were too captivated by poetry in motion, lust encapsulated, beauty incarnate... ok that was going dangerously close to the velveeta zone... to invade the space. Slowly the last notes died out and a slightly more melodic song started.

So after all these one night stands
You've ended up with heart in hand
A child alone
On your own

I remember this song and as his hands begin to weave their way through the air his hips twisting to the beat I can tell by the look on his face he does too. We discovered the song together one evening in his apartment. The lyrics struck me like none I had ever heard before. I promised to him there and then that I would always be there for him, that I would always love him, and that he would never know. Obviously I didn't say that to him but I have held true to that promise ever since. That was three years ago. Now it's getting harder and harder to hide it. It's getting too painful to lie. His body is starting to become one with the music now, I can see he has lost himself in the moment, and I wonder if just maybe he is thinking about me too. The sliver of skin showing just above the low slung jeans practically dripping off slim hips almost glows, and the ebony spikes of hair shine, but it's the shadow of lash upon his face that has me turned inside out. I love this man more then words can express. I can remember the feeling of those lashes as they brushed my face all those hours we spent holding each other for no other reason then because it felt right. It wasn't because I wanted him and it wasn't because I was hoping for more it was because I love him and he loved me. We sought comfort in each other.

Regretful for the things you're not
And all dreams you haven't got
Without a home
A heart of stone
Lies bleeding

But we began to separate, not drift apart, but just to separate and funny thing is I begin to love him even more. One day I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't hurt like this another day so I stopped being affectionate and I severed any of those things that connected us as one. I was his friend and I loved him as such but I had to build a wall to separate the rest.
Snapping back to the pulsating reality of the club I now find my cheeks wet with tears and I turn to leave. I can't see any more. I can't look at what I can't have because having it means hurting it. What kind of cruel joke mother nature played on me. The cold night air hits me like a jolt when I dash out of the club with confused looks and shrugs left in my wake. I just can't do it anymore. I have to cut my heart out and leave it here.

And for all the roads you followed
And for all you did not find
And for all the things you had to leave behind

I don't get far though and end up slumped against the rough brick of the club the music still assaulting my ears with memories and emotions I don't want to deal with. I can feel the texture pull at my shirt and scratch my back as I slide down the wall until I'm huddled on the ground a trembling mess. I can't believe it's come to this. I remember when I first met him he was but a child in my eyes, not that much younger then me but on the edge of adulthood ready to cross over, yet within the depths of his eyes lay a world I could never fathom. He held wisdom and knowledge that I wouldn't be able to boast for a long time to come if ever. Yet there was an innocence that was bred of wisdom not inexperience. He told me once that life was not lived one breath at a time but one moment at a time. Hundreds of memorable moments could happen within a single breath but if we are so focused on living we forget to enjoy life. I almost kissed him then. Maybe I should have, maybe I shouldn't. But the fact of the matter is I still remember it.

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night
I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark
I hear your screams
Don't turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand
I'll be right there
I'll never leave
All I ask of you

He was my hero all those long years ago. And he is still my hero now. I pull a crumpled pack of smokes out of my pocket withdrawing one and lighting it with trembling hands. Nasty habit, and I adore it. When I feel like my mind and body are exploding into a million pieces there is nothing better. I pull on the slender cylinder until my lungs burn and can draw no more breath before closing my eyes and imagine the tissue of my lungs absorbing the nicotine, my brain sighing in relief. I slowly let the smoke curl out from my tongue leaving tiny rivulets and halos of smoke above my head. I remember thinking it was almost obscene how seductive the act of smoking looked on someone that appeared so young. It was all so deceiving. I didn't smoke back then. I find it amusing that I was the naive one. Never having experienced anything in life that was hard enough to deal with that I felt I needed another outlet. He however had been there and back again.

Your childhood eyes were so intense
While bartering your innocence
For bits of string
Grown-up wings
You needed

I can feel the cold of the concrete sidewalk seeping in through the layers of clothing but it comforts me. I'm glad I can feel at all. This has been the most beautiful experience of my life but it has left me broken and bruised. I'm lying on the other side in a crumpled heap but I wouldn't take it all back. I couldn't. Too precious, too beautiful, too much. As the song continues I am pulled under by another memory this one more poignant then the last. Everyone thought he was well put together, never a moment of doubt, well raised, and as balanced as a human can be. Which was mostly true. But one drunken night we were alone and sprawled out on his couch limbs entangled and head against chest as we watched a movie. It was a replica of many many nights before it. But I knew it was different by the sparkle in his eye, not one of mischief or of happiness but, of unshed tears. I remember reaching up to brush away the tears without a word. I knew if he wanted to tell me he would. With his eyes downcast he began to speak of doubts and secrets that broke my heart. He had never shared them with anyone else. He didn't let people into that part of him because he was afraid of overwhelming them. Somehow he knew I was not one of those people. I wanted nothing more then to comfort him to make everything all right and with flesh and bone, heart and soul, I used my presence as a salve that night and if only for that one space in time I could protect his wounds as he shared his innermost demons with me. The next morning I awoke as we had fallen asleep cradled against each other safe in a world hungry for blood. But I knew I couldn't protect him always and he never knew I wanted to. So I carefully disengaged myself from his still sleeping form and quietly slipped into the shower hoping he hadn't heard my sobs.

But when you had to add them up
You found that they were not enough
To get you in
Pay for sins repeated

I could hear the last stanza of the song starting as the haze cleared from my eyes and I stand up quickly crushing the remains of my cigarette beneath my shoe before picking the dead butt up and sticking it in my jeans pocket. Some habits never cease I think to myself wryly. I take one last hard look at the club door, my heart aching to recapture all those feelings like a snapshot. A forever keepsake. But I know I can't do it. It would be so easy to run in and profess my love but the consequences are not worth it. For giving me the greatest gift of friendship I've ever had the privilege of experiencing I owe him more then that. I owe him my dedication, I owe him my loyalty, but most of all I owe him protection from myself. With a final deep breath of bitingly cold air I turn my back on the club and walk away. That was six months ago.

And for all the years you borrowed
And for all the tears you cried
And for all the fears you had to keep inside

Not much has changed since then yet I can feel the loss of hope deep into my bones. It's like arthritis on a chilly winter's morning but more then that it's the ache of emptiness. It's the knots that tie my stomach into painful configurations. It's the tears that prick the back of my eyelids and the choke of a throat made tight by unshed tears and unspent emotion. Which leads us back here to my living room and my fourth shot of Irish whiskey.

I am the way
I am the light
I am the dark inside the night
I hear your hopes
I feel your dreams
And in the dark
I hear your screams

My musings are broken by the shrill ring of the phone. I wonder briefly who would be calling me at such an ungodly hour in the morning and I contemplate whether or not I can manage to pull off answering the phone without slurring my words.

" 'ello?"

Nice one there boyo, almost without a slur.

"Hey it's me."

Of course it's you, who else would it be.

"Hey you, what brings me the pleasure of a call at this time of night..err morning?"

Ok you only sound slightly drunk.

"I was thinking about you actually and decided to call. Is it a bad time?"

Well actually..

"No of course it isn't. It's never a bad time darling you know that. What have you been up to lately?"

I sink down into the couch. I might as well get myself as physically comfortable as possible as this should be nice and emotionally painful.

"Well I was thinking.."

Ut oh.

"And well you remember that night six months ago when I invited you to that club?"

"Um, yeah, I think I recall"

Mother nature at it again. What did I do to deserve this?

"Well I saw you there."


"What do you mean you saw me there?"

"Oh come on now. Don't play dumb with me. I walked out of the club and you were walking away with your hands stuck deep into your jacket pockets, head down, and shoulders slumped in what has to be the most defeated position I've ever seen."

Oh great, shit. Yeah totally defeated then and totally defeated now.

*sigh* " Yes well, ok, I was there I admit it. But what does that have to do with anything?"

"I'm in town right now and I'm on my way over."

Oh god, excuse me while I go into shock.

"On your way over right now? But I'm hardly prepared for company."

"Do you not want me to come over then?"

Yeah exactly what I want, less contact with the person I love.

"No of course that isn't what I meant. When will you be here?"

"Fifteen minutes. Oh and have some of that whiskey ready for me."

"But how did you....oh never mind... ok I'll be here."

"Good. Oh and by the way.."

Now what?


"Don't ever walk away from me again. *pause* Love you."


Yeah I love you too. As I hang up the phone I remember the last lines of that immortal song.

Don't turn away
Just take my hand
And when you make your final stand
I'll be right there
I'll never leave
And all I ask of you is

Song used in fic is Believe by the band Savatage. All lyrics are in italics. All other words are mine please do not use fic without permission.
Feedback more then welcomed.

I want to thank my 'Beta Goddess', philomel, for taming my horrific punctuation and slightly wonky grammar.
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